day_dreamer505

Sun, 16 Apr 2006 22:11:04 GMT

hmmm.. i must have last weighed myself with a whole heap of food/water weight in me because i was 63. i weighed myself this morning and the scale says 59 :S = i havent fasted at all, just restricted (not to severly thou) and done a shit load of exercise. so im guessing my real weight before would have been closer to 60/61, cos its impossible to lose that much!!
Im goin to Lagoon today/night/morning which hopefully should be good. I love Smillie, Chardy and T-rek, so no matter how shit the crowd is i'll be in my own little world. also flipping three, so that should keep me going till late morning i hope (and another 3 kilos lost) woo!

Mon, 20 Feb 2006 06:44:58 GMT

it has been so long since ive updated, i supose i felt i no longer needed lj.
i am so wrong though, i feel like i need the support of the girls who write on here more than ever now - i need the extra motivation.
ive set myself exactly a month to lose 4 - 5kilos. i am at that weight where losing that will be hard, so motivation of restricition and goin to the gym wil be important.
Although im up for a massive week - goin out tonight, tomoro, thurs and of course two tribes on sat, this week losing 1kilo or more shouldnt be too difficult.
my reward after this month will be the pair of blue stevie jeans i so desperately want..
so tonight dinner will be nill, tomoro just have my meal in my break at work then goin to the gym and the same the day after that

Sat, 12 Nov 2005 22:43:53 GMT

well james came back.... single! or so he told me, so i spent the night with him last thurs which was fucking awesome - great sex, it was what i had been waiting for for 7months since he left!
ne way i get a call from his phone last night, and some girls voice asking who i was, so i hung up thinking to myself wtf!!!! i then get an abusive msg from this girl who claims she is his gf - the one he had been with for 3 yrs... im now thinking what i should do... cos i still really like him damnit! but after this i should be so angry at him, but at the same time im not and god that just pisses me off.
i seem to fall for the guys that hurt me the most or are taken.
i need to talk to him to find out what the hell is going on, but then i'm not sure if i'll be able to get onto him - especailly if the "girlfriend" is with him today
haha.... so much for having a "crazy summer" with him
mmmm thank fucking god for schoolies next week, hopefully i can forget about him... i so wont be able to thou

Mon, 16 May 2005 22:43:56 GMT

god this is one of those stressful weeks, filled with sacs.. fuck iwant it to be over
been to the gym every day (besides fri) since wed, and im feeling a lot better - my uniform is no longer feeling like a corset!!
im buring bw 400-500 cals everyday.
i weighed myself and the scale had gone up:S im thinkin this is cos ive put on muscle. so in about three weeks (goin to the gym 5 tims a week) i will weigh myself, cos seriously there should be some sort of change. then in 6 weeks i should see major change (as long as i keep my food intake around 500-800 - i know its a lot, but fuck it, i have ot be focused at school, im not letting ne thing take over that andif im buring off 400-500 that doesnt leave toomuch)

by start of july i have to see a major difference, cos i'll be goin up to sydney and i want to look good!! plus i might be seeing james in the hols.
ALSO fuck there r so many reasons.. i have to have the best body im my group - cos now steph is there i gotta b just as good, and also i feel so inferior when im out clubbing, everyone is so thin and beautiful, and while i still ahve braces i have to make my body the best

Thu, 05 May 2005 12:12:39 GMT

well this week hasnt been too good.. hmmm why is it i cant get out of the binge cycle, y do i do it!?
my calf is still fucked, so i cant go for a run, however ive been doin the carmen electra stiptease, its so much fun and i am getting a pretty good work out

ive noticed this week nikki is eating the typical 'diet' foods, apple, rice cakes, thats all.. surprising since she used to eat everyone elses food.. and she sed she went for a run last nigt - she NEVER runs.. i recon steph has made an impact on her - well who wouldnt shes gorgeous! perfect body, perfect everything
so i have to work harder, make sure nikki doesnt getting thinner than me, spec since we do have pretty simular bodies.
i wonder if she eats at home.. god i want to know. cos if not all shes having is 4 rice cakes, apple and bannana.. man thats all i should be having, but fucking binges!!
i have to try harder

Tue, 03 May 2005 11:35:18 GMT

binge

Mon, 02 May 2005 12:00:16 GMT

hmm this afternoon (4-4:30) i relapsed again and had a small binge
took 3 dietpills
and thats all - resisted for the rest of the night
its not goin to be as easy as i thought getting out of the binge cycle. im just happy that i resisted everything else tonight

theres a new girl in my yr level.. she gorgeous, tall and thin, and also a model
keeps me motivated when i look at her

tomoro im doin day2 again... NO BINGES in the afternoon!!!

Sun, 01 May 2005 01:37:28 GMT

ever since he left i have allowed myself to let my appearance diminish.
i've allowed myself to have regrowth, bad skin, and become fatter
is this the week after mourning? missing him? i am more obsessed than i thought, as he is the one who occupies my dreams at night.
But its a new month, a binge free month and new meal plans
So from this day on, i work on getting myself back to shape ( since i am at my highest weight again!) and fixing my appearance - anything to make me happier.

This morning has been good besides the ktime bar (damnit!) and the muffin ( WTF!) other than that i have stuck to my plan

My body is still too sore to go for a run which is a pain because i know thats what is not allowing any loss. Im also od'ing on those d/pills, which i find are having a laxative affect.

I'll weigh next weekend, hopefully there will be some change from sticking to my plan but right now the scales are depressing me (note to self, buy a new set, bc mine are at least 20yrs old)

MUST study for the rest of the day!
blah english sac tomoro:(

Tue, 26 Apr 2005 11:51:27 GMT

i dont get it
wats it with muesli?? wats my problem
right now thats the thing im binging on
i had two handfuls tonight.. stupid, i should eat it b4 bed, shouldnt eat it ne way
i had been doin so well today.. i discovered small tins of tuna - about 80cals and so filling..
just did 150situps.. nice burning feeling in my stomach
and ive taken 3 mor dietpills than recomended.. well thats bc i binged
when i stop binging, i will take the amount suggested..
house aths in 2 days... woohooo better do a 400 tomoro in preparation

Sun, 24 Apr 2005 10:11:01 GMT

all the fat
and the depression... and a binge
seriously i dont know wat im doin to my life, i hate myself and now that james is gone im completly alone.. no one else is there
i am fat and ugly and no one will want me.. but all i want is james, i cant help it
im sic of crying, i just wish the pain would go away, why did i let myself become heart broken
i just need to stop, i need to stop eating, stop thinking about james and get on with my life, and then accept him back in when he comes back

so tomoro......
wash my hair
buy diet pills
buy a canvas and actually complete one of my art pieces
go for a run
restrict to 300
dont think about james
get ready for school - finish off the rest of my hw

i'll allow myself to cry one last time b4 tomoro, and thats it, im not allowed to do it ne more, i'll just become weak

Sun, 24 Apr 2005 00:52:59 GMT

hes gone...
and i never got to say goodbye in person, i didnt even get to speak to him properly after we had sex
ive spent the last night and this morning crying cos god im goin to miss him so much
although i did get some reasuring msg's from him, confirming that yea he does really like me, wasnt using me and will visit.. its just not the same. i wanted to see him so bad. and if he doesnt come back in the holidays, i wont see him for six months.
he also sed that with his ex (or i think they are actually together again) goin up with him, it is to see if they could work.... wat happenes if they do... he will compeletly forget about me and i'll have no one
why do i let myself fall in love with guys? and usually the ones i cant have either
like when i have a bf i get so bored easily and end up cheating on them.. but with james... i dont want ne one but him, and cos of the possisive ex, it made it hard to see eachother, but when we did... it was so good
shit i cant stop crying
sorry guys this is completely non-ed related but something thats affecting me just as much
hopefully i can use it to make me stronger

Sat, 02 Apr 2005 11:09:28 GMT

well i got the news....
james is leaving at the start of May for 5months, so i can finish school without him being a distraction.. plus he needed to get away from melb
im goin to miss him so much, fuck it will kill me
but then i think to myself, i have 5 months to transform, to get to my lowest.. so then when he comes back he'll see a difference.. skinnier.. no braces.. better
so my mission.. for 5 months lose a minimum of 10kilos
i know i can do it

Tue, 29 Mar 2005 22:06:02 GMT

i am so fat
everyday the binges get worse and i get fatter
i wont be wanted
i fucking hate this! why cant the binging stop!?

Wed, 09 Mar 2005 07:15:52 GMT

another kilo dropped
gotta drop one more this week and ill be abck to where i was b4 the school went back

current stat: 56 - so grose!

Tue, 01 Mar 2005 11:23:03 GMT

omg i hate my mum so much
she says shes not lettin me stay at backpackers in byron for shcoolies... thats where me and my friends are staying.. and its too late now and too expensive for other accomidation
fuck i shes also sed that she knows everything about me.. so does she no about ana, me having sex, smoking, passsing out from alc, is that wat she knows?!?! i dunno how the fuck she would
fuck she pisses me off
and gets me depressed
fuck i hate her

Tue, 22 Feb 2005 10:50:31 GMT

well my fast ended at lunch today.. fuck i binged
i dont no why i do it... i am so disgusting
like i really am
photos prove it too

so tomorrow...
restriction to 300cal
buy new dietpills...

there are things i really need to stop binging on
eg: rice cakes
cheese ( WTF!!!)
sultana's
breakfast bars
lollies

my binges used to not be too bad (junkfood wise), but now its the most fattiest things!!!

From this day on ( idea from thai) i will :
- not eat more than 4 rice cakes in one day
- will not eat the above foods
- Will do 100 situps per night
- once chorals dance has finished go for runs every morning
- will lose at least 2kilos a week
- will NOT BINGE

Thu, 17 Feb 2005 10:53:38 GMT

i know what makes me binge
1) my mum
2) michael
3) stress with school

and omg guess what all 3 are effecting my life everyday
wat am i goin to do.... besides buyin more laxatives, pills and learning how to purge...

Tue, 15 Feb 2005 22:05:04 GMT

hr 11
only 9am though
im just tired

Mon, 14 Feb 2005 20:22:44 GMT

yea i did completely stuff up yesterday, i fully dont know whats wrong with me... one tiny piece of food triggers a binge - which becomes outof control

so yea im restarting my fast today and im goin to go all the way.
i ahve a 2 week goal where ive must have lost at least 4kilos...

Plan:

Tuesday - liquid fast
walk home from school (10-15min)
contemporary (1hr)
100 crunches

Wednesday - liquid fast
walkhome
30min jog
100crunches
Thursday - restrict 200cal
bfast - 2 rice cakes 40cal
lunch -small portion of graps (50cals)
walkhome
2 rice cakes -40cal
grapes - 20cal
30min jog/walk

Friday - restrict 300
bfast - 2 rice cakes
lunch - 2 rice cakes d.coke
walkhome
piece of fruit (up to 50cal)
30min jog/walk
salad (10)
work

Sat - restrict 300
30minjog
contemp (1hr)
work
Sun- restrict 400
then monday till sunday - 2468

Mon, 14 Feb 2005 20:01:27 GMT

fast:

Hour 8
(well i cheated and started while i was alseep)

so yea its morning now and im having my tea. when i get to school ill make coffee and just live on that all day
god my face has gotten so fat, its seriously like a blob!! ive got no jawline atall.. thats how bad it is

damn this weather!! when ever i wanna go for a run in the morning its always raining... stupid summer we're having

Mon, 14 Feb 2005 10:35:05 GMT

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sorry if this takes up pples friends pages

Sat, 12 Feb 2005 23:10:14 GMT

Sunday morning:

begining of a liquid fast untill Thursday morning

allowing only:
tea
coffee
any diet drink
s/f redbull/V
water

yep thats all

Sat, 12 Feb 2005 04:02:12 GMT

omg ive just gotten worse and worse
but now the depression returns and i get back on track
why is it that when your happy, you forget about ana? 2 weeks of school, i was happy, i was scared i wouldnt have enough energy and fall behind... consequence... put on 5 kgs
i'll just have to not be happy
because i cant live withmyself if i look like this

so liquid fast until wednesday
and fuck my mum, she cant make me do ne thing!!!

Fri, 04 Feb 2005 22:12:23 GMT

no carbs today
just fruit/veg n pure protein

bfast: 2 egg whites - 30
small portion of watermelon/strawberries/grapes ( prob about 30)
tea
ive already chopped up fruit n veg to have as snacks in my study breaks

I WILL go for a 30min jog in an hour - 177
then ive got dancing for another hour - 300
then ive got work tonight for 5hrs
then i think im goin clubbing

so if i stick to haveing my fruit/veg all day it should be all good

Fri, 04 Feb 2005 04:07:29 GMT

yea its already been a week at school and ive put on
the weirdest thing... im eating at school... its so fucked i never used to.. ne way so yea im fatter than ever
its stress binges now
tomoro morning will be my first morning that im free to do ne thing so im goin to go for a run
dunno how ill go with restricting cos ive got so much on i need the energy.. i fuckin sound like a cop-out
i dunno whats goin to happen with my weight this yr.. already ive put on, god theres so much work n so much stress..
i recon the sooner i get my gym membership the better ill be - give me some sorta reason to ex since ive been lazy n have prioritize
off to work now
blah 7hrs... dunno how im goin to survive
maybe i can work off some of the FAT