April 17th, 2006
hmmm.. i must have last weighed myself with a whole heap of food/water weight in me because i was 63. i weighed myself this morning and the scale says 59 :S = i havent fasted at all, just restricted (not to severly thou) and done a shit load of exercise. so im guessing my real weight before would have been closer to 60/61, cos its impossible to lose that much!!
Im goin to Lagoon today/night/morning which hopefully should be good. I love Smillie, Chardy and T-rek, so no matter how shit the crowd is i'll be in my own little world. also flipping three, so that should keep me going till late morning i hope (and another 3 kilos lost) woo!
February 20th, 2006
it has been so long since ive updated, i supose i felt i no longer needed lj.
i am so wrong though, i feel like i need the support of the girls who write on here more than ever now - i need the extra motivation.
ive set myself exactly a month to lose 4 - 5kilos. i am at that weight where losing that will be hard, so motivation of restricition and goin to the gym wil be important.
Although im up for a massive week - goin out tonight, tomoro, thurs and of course two tribes on sat, this week losing 1kilo or more shouldnt be too difficult.
my reward after this month will be the pair of blue stevie jeans i so desperately want..
so tonight dinner will be nill, tomoro just have my meal in my break at work then goin to the gym and the same the day after that
Current Music: love show - skye
November 13th, 2005
well james came back.... single! or so he told me, so i spent the night with him last thurs which was fucking awesome - great sex, it was what i had been waiting for for 7months since he left!
ne way i get a call from his phone last night, and some girls voice asking who i was, so i hung up thinking to myself wtf!!!! i then get an abusive msg from this girl who claims she is his gf - the one he had been with for 3 yrs... im now thinking what i should do... cos i still really like him damnit! but after this i should be so angry at him, but at the same time im not and god that just pisses me off.
i seem to fall for the guys that hurt me the most or are taken.
i need to talk to him to find out what the hell is going on, but then i'm not sure if i'll be able to get onto him - especailly if the "girlfriend" is with him today
haha.... so much for having a "crazy summer" with him
mmmm thank fucking god for schoolies next week, hopefully i can forget about him... i so wont be able to thou
May 17th, 2005
god this is one of those stressful weeks, filled with sacs.. fuck iwant it to be over
been to the gym every day (besides fri) since wed, and im feeling a lot better - my uniform is no longer feeling like a corset!!
im buring bw 400-500 cals everyday.
i weighed myself and the scale had gone up:S im thinkin this is cos ive put on muscle. so in about three weeks (goin to the gym 5 tims a week) i will weigh myself, cos seriously there should be some sort of change. then in 6 weeks i should see major change (as long as i keep my food intake around 500-800 - i know its a lot, but fuck it, i have ot be focused at school, im not letting ne thing take over that andif im buring off 400-500 that doesnt leave toomuch)
by start of july i have to see a major difference, cos i'll be goin up to sydney and i want to look good!! plus i might be seeing james in the hols.
ALSO fuck there r so many reasons.. i have to have the best body im my group - cos now steph is there i gotta b just as good, and also i feel so inferior when im out clubbing, everyone is so thin and beautiful, and while i still ahve braces i have to make my body the best
May 5th, 2005
well this week hasnt been too good.. hmmm why is it i cant get out of the binge cycle, y do i do it!?
my calf is still fucked, so i cant go for a run, however ive been doin the carmen electra stiptease, its so much fun and i am getting a pretty good work out
ive noticed this week nikki is eating the typical 'diet' foods, apple, rice cakes, thats all.. surprising since she used to eat everyone elses food.. and she sed she went for a run last nigt - she NEVER runs.. i recon steph has made an impact on her - well who wouldnt shes gorgeous! perfect body, perfect everything
so i have to work harder, make sure nikki doesnt getting thinner than me, spec since we do have pretty simular bodies.
i wonder if she eats at home.. god i want to know. cos if not all shes having is 4 rice cakes, apple and bannana.. man thats all i should be having, but fucking binges!!
i have to try harder
May 3rd, 2005
May 2nd, 2005
hmm this afternoon (4-4:30) i relapsed again and had a small binge
took 3 dietpills
and thats all - resisted for the rest of the night
its not goin to be as easy as i thought getting out of the binge cycle. im just happy that i resisted everything else tonight
theres a new girl in my yr level.. she gorgeous, tall and thin, and also a model
keeps me motivated when i look at her
tomoro im doin day2 again... NO BINGES in the afternoon!!!
May 1st, 2005
ever since he left i have allowed myself to let my appearance diminish.
i've allowed myself to have regrowth, bad skin, and become fatter
is this the week after mourning? missing him? i am more obsessed than i thought, as he is the one who occupies my dreams at night.
But its a new month, a binge free month and new meal plans
So from this day on, i work on getting myself back to shape ( since i am at my highest weight again!) and fixing my appearance - anything to make me happier.
This morning has been good besides the ktime bar (damnit!) and the muffin ( WTF!) other than that i have stuck to my plan
My body is still too sore to go for a run which is a pain because i know thats what is not allowing any loss. Im also od'ing on those d/pills, which i find are having a laxative affect.
I'll weigh next weekend, hopefully there will be some change from sticking to my plan but right now the scales are depressing me (note to self, buy a new set, bc mine are at least 20yrs old)
MUST study for the rest of the day!
blah english sac tomoro:(
April 26th, 2005
i dont get it
wats it with muesli?? wats my problem
right now thats the thing im binging on
i had two handfuls tonight.. stupid, i should eat it b4 bed, shouldnt eat it ne way
i had been doin so well today.. i discovered small tins of tuna - about 80cals and so filling..
just did 150situps.. nice burning feeling in my stomach
and ive taken 3 mor dietpills than recomended.. well thats bc i binged
when i stop binging, i will take the amount suggested..
house aths in 2 days... woohooo better do a 400 tomoro in preparation
April 24th, 2005
all the fat
and the depression... and a binge
seriously i dont know wat im doin to my life, i hate myself and now that james is gone im completly alone.. no one else is there
i am fat and ugly and no one will want me.. but all i want is james, i cant help it
im sic of crying, i just wish the pain would go away, why did i let myself become heart broken
i just need to stop, i need to stop eating, stop thinking about james and get on with my life, and then accept him back in when he comes back
wash my hair
buy diet pills
buy a canvas and actually complete one of my art pieces
go for a run
restrict to 300
dont think about james
get ready for school - finish off the rest of my hw
i'll allow myself to cry one last time b4 tomoro, and thats it, im not allowed to do it ne more, i'll just become weak